Monday, February 18, 2008

Breaking News...Parent named in Switchell Report.

Since former Senator Jorge Switchell launched his investigation into baseball's steroid past 18 months ago, the big questions have been whether the final report would name names, and how many names would be named, and how important the names would be.

Some officials came away from a 32-team Camp League Baseball conference call held mid-day Monday with the understanding that the forthcoming Switchell report would include many names; names which have so far not been disclosed publicly; and the names of well-known players.

According to those familiar with the conference call, Tim Jarlucci, a lawyer for HBD, told the team representatives on the conference call that the report is going to be "salacious."

Said one source familiar with what was said on the conference call, "This is going to be enormous ... it's going to be a huge story when these names come out."

And tonight we have learned that Tampa Bay Boozer's slugger, Otis Parent, appears in the report. Simon Funnybone, Parents' former trainer, has admitted to injecting Parent with FHG (Fantasy Growth Hormone) as far back as Season 2. Funnybone has surrendered evidence to support his claims. The evidence consisted of 2 Kleenex tissues, which Parent cried into as he was being injected, and a video tape of Parent and Funnybone wearing Speedos and singing Britney Spears' "Oooops...I Did It Again."

Other names rumored to appear in the report are Berry Bonz, Rojur Clemmons, Marc Macwire, and Rafial Palmeero.

In return for his cooperation, Funnybone, will receive complete immunity and the home edition of Deal or No Deal.

1 comment:

pvc4twenty said...

The home edition of Deal or no Deal is pretty damn funny.